We are in this strange limbo right now. We are waiting for the lawyers to draw up the paperwork so we can start working on the land. We are waiting for C to start getting paychecks so we can start paying bills and saving again. It’s this weird state of paralysis.

C got his first paycheck this Thursday. It was only for one week (although still more than he was getting for 2 weeks at his old job) and it was just enough to pay bills and have a little leftover to pay for gas. We have food, we have plenty of food. We have enough food to last us until his next paycheck and then some. There are still so many other things we have to buy though. We have to pay taxes and tags on the car, pay taxes and tags on the car we are hopefully getting so that we have 2 cars, which we do not have the money for. We will probably have to borrow money from the savings to pay all of it and then pay that back with his next paycheck. We also have to somehow come up with $3000 to give the guy at the end of February as a downpayment for the land. I am so completely overwhelmed right now.

I know that I need to work more but it’s one of those things where I can’t guarantee that I will be able to get away to work. I used to make phone calls when C got home but now he gets home 15 minutes before the coffee shop closes and I can’t work with the kids around, plus I can’t walk to the coffee shop because it’s cold and I don’t have a car. I need to figure something else out. I know I can definitely work on the weekends but I need to work during the week to be able to make weekend appointments. I just need to figure it out and make it work. It sounds like a bunch of excuses, and really it is. It’s be being scared.

I am so paralyzed with fear about money right now. I keep telling myself “two more weeks” but we already have the next paycheck spent too. So four more weeks? I can’t breath.

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