a eulogy to a dog

For the past week I have had this feeling in my throat like I’m holding back tears but I can’t get myself to cry.  So I am writing this not just for me in hopes that it will help me cope, but also for my husband.  We still haven’t found our dog.  It’s been over a week which is longer than he has ever been out before.  We still go out looking for him every night but we also know that pretty soon we need to stop.  So this is for you Lobo:

I know I didn’t know you long.  We only lived together for two months, but I loved you from the first day because of how much C loved you.  It didn’t take long for me to completely love you too.  You are an amazing dog.  I am going to miss your slow but purposeful walk, you were like an old man in that way.  You knew where you were going and hell if it wasn’t going to take you forever to get there.  I miss when you were excited or afraid we would leave you out of something you would trot to us.  I miss that you never barked, instead you would whine, and you had a different whine for whatever you were trying to tell us.  I miss you being an asshole and hiding from us when we wanted you to come inside.  Making C run after you to bring you in, and then laying down so he had to drag you.  I miss how you would push the door open and force your gigantic body through a small space.  How upset you got when the cat came to live with us because we could no longer keep the door open all day, so you would come in and out of the door over and over so i couldn’t close it.  I miss when you wanted affection you would push your nose under under us.  I loved how your big eyes would look at me like I was a beautiful person.  I loved spoiling you.  Like the day you removed the bag of chicken scraps out of the trash and brought it to me as if to ask permission for you to eat it and I let you.  After that I had no problem saving scraps for you.  Every pork bone, large chicken bones and scraps from the roasted chickens, I would even cook you a portion of bacon and eggs in the morning with everyone else’s.  I loved rubbing my face into your fur and scratching behind your ears.  I miss you letting the kids love on you.  Baby girl still calls for you.  I hope beyond hope that we did what was best for you. and that you knew how loved you are.  No other dog can or will every be like you.  I wish you didn’t have to be alone.

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