I said in my last post that I’m depressed, and in a way I am. I wake up every morning thinking “holy crap how are we going to pay our bills” and I go to sleep thinking “maybe tomorrow will bring an answer” and I dream about money and I stare at my phone most of the day hoping to find some sort of an answer. I get waves of panic throughout the day. I don’t want to be around people.
Aside from the stress, I like this life. I like having my husband home. My kids like having him home. We belly laugh more, we hug more, we don’t yell at our kids anymore, our house is cleaner, we made bread together, canned a gallon of apple butter, made plans for the farm. We are happier and it reinforces the fact that the farm is what we are supposed to be doing. I love my husband and my kids more now than I did three weeks ago. I just wish we could get paid to do this. I need to hold on to the idea that someday we will.