Strength

Sometimes you have to be strong despite the fact that you really don’t want to be strong. I know that people have told me that I’m already strong but I still have yet to believe it. To me I’m still the 18-year-old kid trying to figure stuff out in the world of people who already have. So often all I want to do is sit down and cry instead of do the things that I have to do or need to do. Sometimes I’m a real brat about it.

The hardest thing that I’ve done so far is live in this cabin with C working third shift. I now have to do almost all the things that he used to do as well as the things that I used to do. It’s been really really cold here the last few days and we don’t have enough wood. He’s been chopping enough wood for me to last until about 10 o’clock at night but I needed to go until 1 o’clock in the afternoon. It’s not his fault he doesn’t have time.  He has 3 hours a day to do everything he needs to do and spend time with us.  I can’t imagine the stress he is going through. 

Our water jug needs plastic tubing to go frim the jug to the cistern and we have yet to get that. I haven’t been able to run laundry in almost a week because we don’t have enough water and all we need is a plastic tubing. There is no reason why I cant get this.

So this morning I threw a fit about it without actually throwing a fit about it. Instead I yelled and screamed at the kids knowing that it would keep him up. So that he would know how upset I was. It was childish and something we would punish our 11 and 5 year-old for doing.

On my way out the door with the kids I thought about how this morning could’ve gone better and I realize that I need to put my big girl panties on and do things I don’t want to do. And I don’t just mean I don’t want to do them I mean that I would rather “stab myself in the face “then do this thing, but if I don’t, if I just give up then what’s the point. I’ve asked  C to teach me to use the chainsaw so I can cut my own logs and I don’t have to blame him for not having heat. I will also buy the tubing that we need so I can run a load of laundry. I’m a big girl I can do these things myself and stop Blaming other people.

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